addicted / obsessed

Well, which is it? Am I addicted to the pain, or obsessed with HAVING to know ALL the truth? Or is it that I am obsessed with the truth BECAUSE I am addicted to the pain? For just over 13 years now, I have been a fool, and I finally decided to be a fool no more, but for some reason I am still obsessed with KNOWING. In the beginning, I believed him, or at least I wanted to. When the lies were more "half-truths" or were about things that were not entirely "my business", I made excuses for him, blamed myself. I told myself that it did not matter, because anything worth having was worth making sacrifices for. WHY did I choose TRUST as the thing I was willing to sacrifice?? When he drove four hours to meet a woman that he had been chatting with online, I let him lie to me and tell me that he actually didn't sleep with her. Stranger things have happened, right? When he continued to delete the browsing history on MY home computer each time he accessed it, I honored his privacy and tried to believe his pathetic excuses that I don't even remember now. Every time I got suspicious of him, I would do my own "PI" work, find out what he was doing, and then ask him about it. Even when faced with the facts, he would still look me straight in the eye and lie. And still, I believed there was hope. I believed fatherhood would change him, and I guess for a while it did. Most likely, though, it only made him take his "activities" outside of my peripheral for a time to avoid a meltdown, or maybe I was just too preoccupied (post-partum!) to notice... When we reached the point that I could not stand it any longer, I told him I wanted a divorce. Now it's HE that doesn't believe ME... odd... Even today, when I confront this man with everything I know, with cold, hard facts, he still denies and looks me directly in the eyes with his lies. Why do I even care any more? Maybe it's more defeat than I can bear, to not only be facing divorce (my second, God help me) but also to be facing that divorce without the satisfaction of EVER hearing the truth straight from his own lips... that I was not enough for him, and that he will regret it for the rest of his life...

Anonymity

Anonymity... what a wonderful idea. You can feel free to speak your mind, without the fear that your "sort of" friend will overhear that you really aren't too fond of her, or that your in-laws will discover (since it seems your husband has no intention of revealing it!) that you are planning to divorce, or any number of things... That's what led me to disconnect this blog from my Facebook account, so that I may feel that freedom for a while, to see how it is... The true question is: why? Isn't it so much easier just to sit down (or lie back on my fluffed-up pillows, maybe) with a notebook and paper and keep a journal? What is it about this little box, with it's access to the infinity that is the 'web' that makes me want to sit and unburden my soul?

(none)

(10 Mar 09) Throw open the door and Stand naked in the wind and cold To prove that you can feel Dive into the foam-capped sea And return from the depths, gasping To prove that you can breathe Cut deep into your veins Releasing the crimson flow Just to show that you may bleed Raise your eyes to mine And force the tears to fall To show that - like me - you cry And I still will not believe You are not like me You have no heart - no soul But for the one you stole from me

Empty

(29 Sep 09) The song was called "Empty" But was so full of meaning It spoke to me Called me by my name "Empty" I am a broken vessel, Once so full, so whole Now so very painfully, profoundly Empty. I've tried to stem the flow Fill the void Change the course But still I remain Empty. Because you cannot fill That which is still Broken, leaking I must remain Empty. Until the day I begin To repair the cracks Build again from nothing But I must start from Empty.