Reconciliation by Text???

My husband keeps sending me text messages. When I was in the US, and he was in Italy, I would get 6 or 7 texts a day, plus voice messages, plus emails. He also sent me a Schwarovsky (sp?) tiara, a porcelain knight on horseback, and epic-worthy prose about how his armor might be tarnished, but he would take it off and polish it piece by piece and put it back on so he could go off and fight the darkness....

I told him I was divorcing him in August of 2008, but I haven't filed yet. There were 'extenuating circumstances', but no chance of my mind changing. I finally 'reminded' him again on New Year's Eve 2009, and informed him that I was done pretending and that we were through. He is still in denial, I suppose. He asked that I wait until he has a good job before I file, and I agreed. Unfortunately, "good jobs" are so hard to find these days...

The saddest part about all of this is that I was completely devoted to him as recent as just two short years ago. From the moment we were engaged, I never once even considered being unfaithful (a monumental achievement for me, sadly). I loved him with an intensity that was almost painful, but he refused to give me the one thing I needed the most: honesty. I just wanted the truth, and for some reason he was and still is incapable of speaking the truth.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I swoon at the mere thought of a man who writes love poetry, and the little things are always SO important to me... Now my husband wants to do all those things: send me flowers, write beautiful prose, call me "princess", shower me with affection... And it all means nothing now. In May of 2008, I told him that if he didn't change, I would divorce him. It wasn't the first time we had had that conversation - it was probably more like the 5th or 6th time. The difference was that I never once shed a tear that time... And he didn't even notice. Had he given it some thought, he might have been able to save our marriage. "This is the woman who cries even the 10th or 20th time she watches Beaches, and she didn't shed a single tear when she threatened to divorce me?"... hmmm, could have meant I was serious, no?

Not only did he not change, but he went further into his darkness than I could have imagined, and tried to drag me with him. When it became personal, I had to leave.

Now, nineteen months after deciding to divorce him (and telling him), I have already moved on in my mind and heart. He is still grieving, pleading with me not to leave. I don't hate him anymore, although I did for a while. For our son's sake, I am putting every ounce of strength I have into 'playing nice'... when all I want to do is lash out and make him hurt the way he hurt me. No can do, though... I'm the mommy - I have to take the high road -- man that sucks!

Forgotten thoughts....

I just completely forget sometimes to keep track of them... they fade away before I have a really good grasp of them... or, maybe, I just don't want to keep a log of the things I'm thinking right now. That's probably the reason I don't call (or email, or visit) friends and family as frequently right now either. I just don't want to rehash all over again for those who are so eager to know all the dirty little details of my unraveling life. I do need to get better about this, though... I have dabbled in journaling at various periods in my life. The one that I kept in high school got 'shredded' to avoid any of those thoughts seeing the light of day (little brother, still at home, and exceptionally nosey, would've LOVED to spill those juicy secrets at the time...) and now I so regret that. My poetry has served as a journal of sorts. I can track the ups and downs of my life by the frequency with which I have returned to the pen. When I'm in the midst of turmoil, or in that "glassy-eyed" falling in love stage are the two times of my life that I'm most likely to write. Today, I am neither. I am (as I wrote in a poem today), "in between". I am neither married (for this is certainly not a marriage, and I have told him it is over) nor divorced (at least not in the legal sense of the word). I am not happy, but I have moments of happiness; but neither am I sad. I am neutral, and I think that's the worst place in the world to be...