Phoenix Butterfly!!!

In case you haven't figured it out, my blogger name means "Butterfly or Phoenix". I just did a google search for "phoenix butterfly" because I was looking for some graphics that I might be able to use for my profile picture... (YES, I AM that bored, thank you!) and there is a PHOENIX BUTTERFLY!!! Okay, maybe I should just turn in, because that probably wouldn't be quite so exciting if I weren't so tired...

Wife bashing, kid bashing, hubby bashing...

I just logged on to FaceBook (I am an admitted addict, with NO treatment in sight!) and was so disappointed in three of the first four status updates I read that I just had to walk away. All three of them were "kid bashing" posts... Now, I am no prude, and I do my fair share of "bashing" (both of the kid and hubby variety), but I do not normally post it publicly for all the world to see and commiserate, "like", and comment upon. If I have a gripe about the people in my life, I either post them here, anonymously, so they are not publicly "outed" or I do it the old-fashioned way: I call up a friend or my mom and bitch 'til I'm feeling better. When I married my husband (or maybe even before...) I warned him that I would not appreciate ever over-hearing him call me the "ball and chain" or the "old woman" or any of those other commonly used terms for spouse. Until I decided to divorce him, I never once used any of the derogatory slang that other women used for their husbands, either. I feel that, if you are unhappy with someone, LEAVE. If you are NOT unhappy with them, don't ACT like you are! But, I digress... (ALWAYS) Let me just state "for the record" that I think FaceBook is a very, very dangerous media outlet. In effect, that's what it is... "media". You are putting out a message to readers and viewers, but you get to have some sort of control over the audience. Regardless, would these same women (the three in question were all women) have stood up in front of all of their "friends", had they been all grouped together, and said those things about their children? I truly don't think so! I know that I have 322 "friends" on FB, and I certainly would not stand in front of all of them and complain about my son... but then again, he is perfect! ;o)

"I admire what you've done with your life"

It's always interesting to hear people's opinions when they know absolutely nothing about you. Tonight, I got an email on Facebook from someone who (I'm 'reasonably sure') goes to the church I went to growing up. She wrote in her email (based on her limited perusal of my FB page, which is of course only the "good things" that I WANT people to see) the line from the title above, and went on to say "You are one amazing woman!"... Not an entirely unbiased opinion, since she has not seen me in 20 years and only knows that which I allowed people to know, but I'll take it, nonetheless! ;o)

Reconciliation by Text???

My husband keeps sending me text messages. When I was in the US, and he was in Italy, I would get 6 or 7 texts a day, plus voice messages, plus emails. He also sent me a Schwarovsky (sp?) tiara, a porcelain knight on horseback, and epic-worthy prose about how his armor might be tarnished, but he would take it off and polish it piece by piece and put it back on so he could go off and fight the darkness....

I told him I was divorcing him in August of 2008, but I haven't filed yet. There were 'extenuating circumstances', but no chance of my mind changing. I finally 'reminded' him again on New Year's Eve 2009, and informed him that I was done pretending and that we were through. He is still in denial, I suppose. He asked that I wait until he has a good job before I file, and I agreed. Unfortunately, "good jobs" are so hard to find these days...

The saddest part about all of this is that I was completely devoted to him as recent as just two short years ago. From the moment we were engaged, I never once even considered being unfaithful (a monumental achievement for me, sadly). I loved him with an intensity that was almost painful, but he refused to give me the one thing I needed the most: honesty. I just wanted the truth, and for some reason he was and still is incapable of speaking the truth.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I swoon at the mere thought of a man who writes love poetry, and the little things are always SO important to me... Now my husband wants to do all those things: send me flowers, write beautiful prose, call me "princess", shower me with affection... And it all means nothing now. In May of 2008, I told him that if he didn't change, I would divorce him. It wasn't the first time we had had that conversation - it was probably more like the 5th or 6th time. The difference was that I never once shed a tear that time... And he didn't even notice. Had he given it some thought, he might have been able to save our marriage. "This is the woman who cries even the 10th or 20th time she watches Beaches, and she didn't shed a single tear when she threatened to divorce me?"... hmmm, could have meant I was serious, no?

Not only did he not change, but he went further into his darkness than I could have imagined, and tried to drag me with him. When it became personal, I had to leave.

Now, nineteen months after deciding to divorce him (and telling him), I have already moved on in my mind and heart. He is still grieving, pleading with me not to leave. I don't hate him anymore, although I did for a while. For our son's sake, I am putting every ounce of strength I have into 'playing nice'... when all I want to do is lash out and make him hurt the way he hurt me. No can do, though... I'm the mommy - I have to take the high road -- man that sucks!

Forgotten thoughts....

I just completely forget sometimes to keep track of them... they fade away before I have a really good grasp of them... or, maybe, I just don't want to keep a log of the things I'm thinking right now. That's probably the reason I don't call (or email, or visit) friends and family as frequently right now either. I just don't want to rehash all over again for those who are so eager to know all the dirty little details of my unraveling life. I do need to get better about this, though... I have dabbled in journaling at various periods in my life. The one that I kept in high school got 'shredded' to avoid any of those thoughts seeing the light of day (little brother, still at home, and exceptionally nosey, would've LOVED to spill those juicy secrets at the time...) and now I so regret that. My poetry has served as a journal of sorts. I can track the ups and downs of my life by the frequency with which I have returned to the pen. When I'm in the midst of turmoil, or in that "glassy-eyed" falling in love stage are the two times of my life that I'm most likely to write. Today, I am neither. I am (as I wrote in a poem today), "in between". I am neither married (for this is certainly not a marriage, and I have told him it is over) nor divorced (at least not in the legal sense of the word). I am not happy, but I have moments of happiness; but neither am I sad. I am neutral, and I think that's the worst place in the world to be...

addicted / obsessed

Well, which is it? Am I addicted to the pain, or obsessed with HAVING to know ALL the truth? Or is it that I am obsessed with the truth BECAUSE I am addicted to the pain? For just over 13 years now, I have been a fool, and I finally decided to be a fool no more, but for some reason I am still obsessed with KNOWING. In the beginning, I believed him, or at least I wanted to. When the lies were more "half-truths" or were about things that were not entirely "my business", I made excuses for him, blamed myself. I told myself that it did not matter, because anything worth having was worth making sacrifices for. WHY did I choose TRUST as the thing I was willing to sacrifice?? When he drove four hours to meet a woman that he had been chatting with online, I let him lie to me and tell me that he actually didn't sleep with her. Stranger things have happened, right? When he continued to delete the browsing history on MY home computer each time he accessed it, I honored his privacy and tried to believe his pathetic excuses that I don't even remember now. Every time I got suspicious of him, I would do my own "PI" work, find out what he was doing, and then ask him about it. Even when faced with the facts, he would still look me straight in the eye and lie. And still, I believed there was hope. I believed fatherhood would change him, and I guess for a while it did. Most likely, though, it only made him take his "activities" outside of my peripheral for a time to avoid a meltdown, or maybe I was just too preoccupied (post-partum!) to notice... When we reached the point that I could not stand it any longer, I told him I wanted a divorce. Now it's HE that doesn't believe ME... odd... Even today, when I confront this man with everything I know, with cold, hard facts, he still denies and looks me directly in the eyes with his lies. Why do I even care any more? Maybe it's more defeat than I can bear, to not only be facing divorce (my second, God help me) but also to be facing that divorce without the satisfaction of EVER hearing the truth straight from his own lips... that I was not enough for him, and that he will regret it for the rest of his life...

Anonymity

Anonymity... what a wonderful idea. You can feel free to speak your mind, without the fear that your "sort of" friend will overhear that you really aren't too fond of her, or that your in-laws will discover (since it seems your husband has no intention of revealing it!) that you are planning to divorce, or any number of things... That's what led me to disconnect this blog from my Facebook account, so that I may feel that freedom for a while, to see how it is... The true question is: why? Isn't it so much easier just to sit down (or lie back on my fluffed-up pillows, maybe) with a notebook and paper and keep a journal? What is it about this little box, with it's access to the infinity that is the 'web' that makes me want to sit and unburden my soul?

(none)

(10 Mar 09) Throw open the door and Stand naked in the wind and cold To prove that you can feel Dive into the foam-capped sea And return from the depths, gasping To prove that you can breathe Cut deep into your veins Releasing the crimson flow Just to show that you may bleed Raise your eyes to mine And force the tears to fall To show that - like me - you cry And I still will not believe You are not like me You have no heart - no soul But for the one you stole from me

Empty

(29 Sep 09) The song was called "Empty" But was so full of meaning It spoke to me Called me by my name "Empty" I am a broken vessel, Once so full, so whole Now so very painfully, profoundly Empty. I've tried to stem the flow Fill the void Change the course But still I remain Empty. Because you cannot fill That which is still Broken, leaking I must remain Empty. Until the day I begin To repair the cracks Build again from nothing But I must start from Empty.