addicted / obsessed

Well, which is it? Am I addicted to the pain, or obsessed with HAVING to know ALL the truth? Or is it that I am obsessed with the truth BECAUSE I am addicted to the pain? For just over 13 years now, I have been a fool, and I finally decided to be a fool no more, but for some reason I am still obsessed with KNOWING. In the beginning, I believed him, or at least I wanted to. When the lies were more "half-truths" or were about things that were not entirely "my business", I made excuses for him, blamed myself. I told myself that it did not matter, because anything worth having was worth making sacrifices for. WHY did I choose TRUST as the thing I was willing to sacrifice?? When he drove four hours to meet a woman that he had been chatting with online, I let him lie to me and tell me that he actually didn't sleep with her. Stranger things have happened, right? When he continued to delete the browsing history on MY home computer each time he accessed it, I honored his privacy and tried to believe his pathetic excuses that I don't even remember now. Every time I got suspicious of him, I would do my own "PI" work, find out what he was doing, and then ask him about it. Even when faced with the facts, he would still look me straight in the eye and lie. And still, I believed there was hope. I believed fatherhood would change him, and I guess for a while it did. Most likely, though, it only made him take his "activities" outside of my peripheral for a time to avoid a meltdown, or maybe I was just too preoccupied (post-partum!) to notice... When we reached the point that I could not stand it any longer, I told him I wanted a divorce. Now it's HE that doesn't believe ME... odd... Even today, when I confront this man with everything I know, with cold, hard facts, he still denies and looks me directly in the eyes with his lies. Why do I even care any more? Maybe it's more defeat than I can bear, to not only be facing divorce (my second, God help me) but also to be facing that divorce without the satisfaction of EVER hearing the truth straight from his own lips... that I was not enough for him, and that he will regret it for the rest of his life...