Today I'm Just Mad!

Today, I just want to be mad.  I think I have been a SAINT long enough, and today I'm just going to STEAM.  You see, it just occurred to me that this year "would have" made 15 years of marriage with my ex-husband.  We divorced three years ago, however.  Now, I have to say the words "my first ex-husband" or my "second ex-husband" to differentiate between him and my very short-lived first husband.  (When we were married, if I had to refer to my first husband, it was simply as "my ex"... now things aren't so simple.)  That means no 15-year celebration, and then no 20, 25, etc.  Let's face it, I am not getting any younger.  At 41 years old, the chances of me meeting and marrying someone to whom I will stay married for 20+ years are about as great as the chances of my winning the lottery (here's a hint... I don't even buy the tickets!)...

I am angry, and ashamed that my life has come to this.  My "second ex-husband" and I have a child together, which puts him squarely IN my life, which is where I DON'T want him.  As the "saint", I allow him to spend his vacation time from his overseas job in my home, so that he can maximize time with our son and not have to waste money on a hotel.  I also lend him my car during this time so that he won't have to rent one.  What makes me angry about this situation (and I know it's petty, but I can't help it... when I get mad, the 'things that piss me off' keep building!) is that I KNOW that if the tables were turned (if it were my fault that we were divorced, and he had filed instead of me), there is NO WAY IN HELL he would be this accommodating.

This morning, our conversation revolved around the dirty "C" word... Custody.  He wants to take our son and live near his family, on the opposite side of the country from where my family lives.  I say we should take more things into consideration than just proximity to family, and he should consider a cheaper cost of living and etc., etc., etc.  In reality, I truly just want him to decide on his own to live near where "I" want to live, because I don't want to go through a custody fight OR put our son through cross-country trips for visitation.  

Do you ever just want to rant and rave and scream and yell and NOT have anyone say anything or do anything to try to calm you down???  That's me today!

Things my son has said...

Everyone has them... "Mommy moments" when your child says something so profound, or so cute, or just so darn funny that you feel you HAVE to write it down. I had one of those moments, and it made me realize that there have been a few others that I didn't write down at the time. So, I thought I would start a list. Pretty much, if you aren't a grandparent or just terminally bored, there's probably no reason to keep reading, but I must say my boy is pretty entertaining at times! ;o) GB's first word was duck... not kitty (even though we had one) or dog, or baba, any of those words you 'usually' hear as the first word. Recently, I was speaking to my son via Skype, and as I did our usual blowing kisses, he was making motions that looked to me like he was eating the kisses. I asked him why he was eating my kisses. His answer? Simple, in his mind! He said, "I'm not eating them, mommy, I'm putting them in my heart." How sweet is that? GB spent a morning in the ER this week, with tummy pains that his father was certain were the result of appendicitis or something equally horrible. In the ER, as we all know, the staff places a wrist-band on every patient for identification. The attending asked GB to spell his name out (I am very proud, because he is four, and he's beeen able to do this for well over a year now!) and he wrote on the band and placed it on his arm. GB, being the logical - and outspoken - child that he is, checked the band out and loudly informed the attending that he had left off the last "t" from his name! All the staff within earshot got a good chuckle from that one!

My Eyes Are Open, but They Do Not Always See

I read a friend's blog post today that was entitled "Finally seeing what has always been there". It was not at all what I was expecting; I believe she was speaking about 'seeing' through the lens of her camera, as she just got a new one. The phrase resonated deeply with me, however, on so many levels. When I was very young, and engaged for the first time, I "saw" my fiance as he was, a young, hot-headed, immature man who was a very dear friend and loved me with a ferocity that was at times very frightening, but endearing. I probably knew from the very beginning that he would never really "grow up" and that our relationship was doomed from the start, but I plunged forward anyway. On my wedding day, I was a ball of nerves, and my dear mother handed me a valium and what SHOULD have been a wake-up call: "You DON'T have to do this, you know? We can walk right back out of this church right now and call the whole thing off!" Oh, if only I had listened! Fast-forward a few years to my second doomed engagement, to a man who was (or, rather, IS) the absolute opposite of my first husband. I knew the day I married him that he had already cheated on me once, that he was a habitual liar, had no faith in God and had a darkness in him that I had not even plumbed the depths of. Did I heed my own doubts? Nope. Plunging ahead as always, I married him, made a life and a baby with him, and in the end divorced him, leaving me disappointed and more broken than I could ever have imagined. If only I had the ability to see that which is THERE all along! And not just SEE, but HEED!!! I'm not entirely sure who I would have become without the pain and heartache of the life I created by my own misguided choices, but, oh! How I would love to have a glimpse of her!