Today I'm Just Mad!

Today, I just want to be mad.  I think I have been a SAINT long enough, and today I'm just going to STEAM.  You see, it just occurred to me that this year "would have" made 15 years of marriage with my ex-husband.  We divorced three years ago, however.  Now, I have to say the words "my first ex-husband" or my "second ex-husband" to differentiate between him and my very short-lived first husband.  (When we were married, if I had to refer to my first husband, it was simply as "my ex"... now things aren't so simple.)  That means no 15-year celebration, and then no 20, 25, etc.  Let's face it, I am not getting any younger.  At 41 years old, the chances of me meeting and marrying someone to whom I will stay married for 20+ years are about as great as the chances of my winning the lottery (here's a hint... I don't even buy the tickets!)...

I am angry, and ashamed that my life has come to this.  My "second ex-husband" and I have a child together, which puts him squarely IN my life, which is where I DON'T want him.  As the "saint", I allow him to spend his vacation time from his overseas job in my home, so that he can maximize time with our son and not have to waste money on a hotel.  I also lend him my car during this time so that he won't have to rent one.  What makes me angry about this situation (and I know it's petty, but I can't help it... when I get mad, the 'things that piss me off' keep building!) is that I KNOW that if the tables were turned (if it were my fault that we were divorced, and he had filed instead of me), there is NO WAY IN HELL he would be this accommodating.

This morning, our conversation revolved around the dirty "C" word... Custody.  He wants to take our son and live near his family, on the opposite side of the country from where my family lives.  I say we should take more things into consideration than just proximity to family, and he should consider a cheaper cost of living and etc., etc., etc.  In reality, I truly just want him to decide on his own to live near where "I" want to live, because I don't want to go through a custody fight OR put our son through cross-country trips for visitation.  

Do you ever just want to rant and rave and scream and yell and NOT have anyone say anything or do anything to try to calm you down???  That's me today!