My Eyes Are Open, but They Do Not Always See

I read a friend's blog post today that was entitled "Finally seeing what has always been there". It was not at all what I was expecting; I believe she was speaking about 'seeing' through the lens of her camera, as she just got a new one. The phrase resonated deeply with me, however, on so many levels. When I was very young, and engaged for the first time, I "saw" my fiance as he was, a young, hot-headed, immature man who was a very dear friend and loved me with a ferocity that was at times very frightening, but endearing. I probably knew from the very beginning that he would never really "grow up" and that our relationship was doomed from the start, but I plunged forward anyway. On my wedding day, I was a ball of nerves, and my dear mother handed me a valium and what SHOULD have been a wake-up call: "You DON'T have to do this, you know? We can walk right back out of this church right now and call the whole thing off!" Oh, if only I had listened! Fast-forward a few years to my second doomed engagement, to a man who was (or, rather, IS) the absolute opposite of my first husband. I knew the day I married him that he had already cheated on me once, that he was a habitual liar, had no faith in God and had a darkness in him that I had not even plumbed the depths of. Did I heed my own doubts? Nope. Plunging ahead as always, I married him, made a life and a baby with him, and in the end divorced him, leaving me disappointed and more broken than I could ever have imagined. If only I had the ability to see that which is THERE all along! And not just SEE, but HEED!!! I'm not entirely sure who I would have become without the pain and heartache of the life I created by my own misguided choices, but, oh! How I would love to have a glimpse of her!