My husband keeps sending me text messages. When I was in the US, and he was in Italy, I would get 6 or 7 texts a day, plus voice messages, plus emails. He also sent me a Schwarovsky (sp?) tiara, a porcelain knight on horseback, and epic-worthy prose about how his armor might be tarnished, but he would take it off and polish it piece by piece and put it back on so he could go off and fight the darkness....
I told him I was divorcing him in August of 2008, but I haven't filed yet. There were 'extenuating circumstances', but no chance of my mind changing. I finally 'reminded' him again on New Year's Eve 2009, and informed him that I was done pretending and that we were through. He is still in denial, I suppose. He asked that I wait until he has a good job before I file, and I agreed. Unfortunately, "good jobs" are so hard to find these days...
The saddest part about all of this is that I was completely devoted to him as recent as just two short years ago. From the moment we were engaged, I never once even considered being unfaithful (a monumental achievement for me, sadly). I loved him with an intensity that was almost painful, but he refused to give me the one thing I needed the most: honesty. I just wanted the truth, and for some reason he was and still is incapable of speaking the truth.
I have always been a hopeless romantic. I swoon at the mere thought of a man who writes love poetry, and the little things are always SO important to me... Now my husband wants to do all those things: send me flowers, write beautiful prose, call me "princess", shower me with affection... And it all means nothing now. In May of 2008, I told him that if he didn't change, I would divorce him. It wasn't the first time we had had that conversation - it was probably more like the 5th or 6th time. The difference was that I never once shed a tear that time... And he didn't even notice. Had he given it some thought, he might have been able to save our marriage. "This is the woman who cries even the 10th or 20th time she watches Beaches, and she didn't shed a single tear when she threatened to divorce me?"... hmmm, could have meant I was serious, no?
Not only did he not change, but he went further into his darkness than I could have imagined, and tried to drag me with him. When it became personal, I had to leave.
Now, nineteen months after deciding to divorce him (and telling him), I have already moved on in my mind and heart. He is still grieving, pleading with me not to leave. I don't hate him anymore, although I did for a while. For our son's sake, I am putting every ounce of strength I have into 'playing nice'... when all I want to do is lash out and make him hurt the way he hurt me. No can do, though... I'm the mommy - I have to take the high road -- man that sucks!
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I so hear you and what you are going through. My divorce was a devastating thing. I had no home and my family at the time didn't want to help me due to my drinking and carrying on. I was bitter at Rachel for a long time, but that has past. I want her to be okay and happy now. I often think of how she is doing these days and wish we could just be friends. It is strange how time heals things. I once hated her with a passion like no other. I am always here for you if you need me!
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